Why Can't My Famous Gender Nonconforming Friends Get Laid?

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In the meantime, Alok and Jacob complained that they couldn't get matches in the first place, even when they resorted to swiping right on almost everyone. The history of transgender resistance in the United States can offer post-Trump feminists important tactical lessons. They might treat those past identifications as something to be forgotten.

Between moving to a new city and working on a glamorous, award-winning TV show, their life was full of newfound opportunities to meet prospects. Jacob replied that they should just write a TV pilot in which they play themself having sex with cute mascs.

Why Can't My Famous Gender Nonconforming Friends Get Laid?

This article originally appeared in VICE US It's a cool Saturday night in my East Village apartment, and Alok Vaid-Menon has just created a Tinder account for me, while Jacob Tobia bats their eyelashes in the background. Alok and Jacob are two of the most publicly visible gender nonconforming femmes I know. As a performance poet, Alok has just gone solo after touring in dozens of cities in the US and abroad as one half of the poetry duo Darkmatter. Jacob was named to , has made a for NBC, and been the subject of a GLAAD-nominated of MTV's True Life. Both are trans-identified, but belong somewhere in between genders, and they've amassed huge social media followings as gender nonbinary, femme, and fabulous human beings. They've become celebrities in their own right, with Jacob regularly walking down the red carpet at LGBTQ galas and Alok featuring in the Janet Mock—narrated HBO documentary. But if you think all that would land them a date, you'd be wrong. And nobody is more puzzled than me as to why such obvious catches are having dating problems when so many clamor for their attention. It's a reliable source of ennui in our group chats, and as the elder among my nonbinary pals, I've been giving Jacob and Alok dating advice for weeks. Trans dating is tricky, because you have to deal with prejudice on top of all the usual insecurities around wanting to be as attractive as possible for a potential mate. Dating among nonbinary femmes is even trickier, as the vast majority of people, even queer ones, imagine themselves as dating men or women exclusively, so nonbinary folks can complicate how others view one's sexuality. I've seen Alok and Jacob wade through crushes and ambiguous interactions, live-texted flirtatious lines to help them reel those crushes in, and coached them to project insouciant confidence so the cuties would come back for more. I'm partnered and not really looking, but since my relationship isn't exclusive, Alok and Jacob convinced me to open a Tinder account so I could demonstrate IRL the maneuvers I'd long touted. I intended to show them something I've learned over time—that if you treat being trans like it's a source of shame, then that's how your date will feel, too. My whole game is predicated on projecting my most desirable self, and not treating my transness as an obstacle. Instead, what I learned during the social experiment that followed is that Jacob and Alok, like many gender nonconforming femmes, live in a world where admirers applaud them for their radical politics on social media, and people they're attracted to associate with them because of their slayworthiness and social capital, but refuse to make love to them, or at least fuck them well. Since I'm on the femme side of nonbinary, I thought it would be obvious that I wouldn't label myself a man. Alok then added pictures of me from Facebook. In each of them, I was androgynous and without makeup—except for one from an event the three of us attended, where I borrowed a lycra bodysuit from Alok and painted my lips black. I personally felt that dating straight-identified men was the right choice. My experience has been that straight guys are more willing to experiment with GNC folk than gay guys, because their attractions aren't as socially defined and don't come with a lifestyle attached. Also, there are a lot more of them. This was my experience, anyway. We spent the next hour swiping away, and as I began getting matches, I put on the charm. I told a literature grad student that if we gandered at each other maybe one of us would end up getting goosed, the kind of nerdy wordplay I sensed he'd like. I was off to a good start, and passed the phone around to show them how text flirtation was done. In the meantime, Alok and Jacob complained that they couldn't get matches in the first place, even when they resorted to swiping right on almost everyone. And even with the few matches they did get, guys didn't respond when they messaged. It became apparent that my brand of gender-nonconformity was somehow more attractive to men than Alok and Jacob's, and as the night wore on, I found myself sincerely befuddled. The looks I gave in my pictures were just as funky as theirs, with my partly-shaved head and my geometric bodysuit plus oversize platform heels, or a close-up of me sans makeup that showed off my strong brow and flat chin in all their androgynous glory. I wondered aloud why Alok and Jacob weren't getting matches, if there was some algorithmic mystery at play—whether guys were racist against Indians, in Alok's case, or if they found Jacob's bright makeup too intimidating. Though I've come into my own gender-nonbinary identity, to many, my body reads as cisgender because I'm short and don't have body hair. I've also taken hormones and had reassignment surgery, because I went through a period when I thought I was a binary trans woman, before figuring out I wasn't comfortable with that identity either. What I didn't quite grasp until Alok pointed it out was that now, regardless of how GNC I tried to present, cis people still predominantly read me as a cis woman. If I told a stranger I was trans, it's likely they might think I'm an early-transitioning trans guy more than anything else. So on Tinder, I can still get dates, since there are plenty of guys who like the androgynous female look. On the other hand, Alok and Jacob's features haven't been softened by hormones, and they have visible body hair that marks them as more obviously trans, so they have a much harder time. Nonbinary femmes like them are too masc for the straights, too femme for the gays, and too out for nearly everyone else. Shortly after our Tinder experiment, Alok embarked on a world performance poetry tour, and Jacob moved to LA to work as a director's assistant on Transparent, while I went off to the Philippines to work on a memoir. But we kept each other abreast of our experiment through a running group chat, even when we often responded to each other hours late due to round-the-world time differences. Between the three of us, Jacob seemed to have the most exciting life, dating-wise. Between moving to a new city and working on a glamorous, award-winning TV show, their life was full of newfound opportunities to meet prospects. But by Valentine's Day, they'd ended up in a crisis: The supposedly femme-friendly gay guy they'd been hanging out with for weeks told them he didn't end up reciprocating their crush. It's a scenario that's played out over and over again for them. Jacob in turn sent him a link to a they'd written a couple of weeks before about wanting to be found desirable. According to Jacob, this type of reaction is typical of guys they approach sexually: The guys empathize while unwittingly minimizing Jacob's hardships, and affirms their gender with words while simultaneously rejecting them. And sure, maybe this one particular guy wouldn't have been interested in them either if Jacob was masculine-presenting, but the fact that this has happened with literally every gay guy Jacob has tried to date is clear evidence that their femme identity is the problem. What's ultimately true is that, as easy as it is to support someone like Jacob with conscious words in a world where it's now cool and progressive in some circles to publicly applaud gender-nonbinary people, it's virtually impossible to undo the centuries of social conditioning that has defined what the world deems unconsciously desirable—desires that rarely include nonbinary femmes with hairy, hormone- and surgery-unaltered bodies. Alok woke up in London to several dozen messages from my exchange with Jacob—words of encouragement and counsel, evil plots and manipulations, catty comments about ignoring hangers-on who only want them for their social caché but don't actually want to sleep with them. The guy kept talking about boys he wanted to bring home, but took it for granted that any gender-nonconforming femme was just a friend. That kind of wit and creativity is exactly how so many of us trans kids have trained ourselves to combat rejection. Jacob replied that they should just write a TV pilot in which they play themself having sex with cute mascs. Through our lols and OMGs, on three continents that span more than half the world, the underlying validity of Jacob's logic lingered between us. There was a better chance of them getting what they wanted if they played themself on TV rather than being their actual self in the real world. Intuitively, it still makes no sense to me that my cute, smart friends couldn't find someone to be with. Yet even as I remain confident in my judgment, it's clear our Tinder experiment showed how skewed my perceptions are—that maybe the dating world isn't as kind to femmes as I thought it was. I admire and love Jacob and Alok for remaining steadfast in their convictions about their gender, in choosing a path I wish I could have chosen but didn't know I could forge when I discovered my own trans identity more than a decade ago. That was before social media and before the trans tipping point. Jacob and Alok don't need more claps or raised hands, more YASSSS's or SLAY's. What they need is to be found deeply, undeniably fuckable. Yet for all their brilliance, fuckability is exactly what some gender nonconforming femmes, even social media celebrities, don't ever seem to have. Visit Meredith Talusan's and follow her on.

Do you ever imply there is something wrong with men who behave in stereotypically feminine ways. Sometimes the term omnisexual is used in the same manner. This system is oppressive to anyone who defies their sex assigned at file, but particularly those who are gender-variant or do not fit neatly gender nonconforming femme one of the two standard categories. Do you have a word that needs defining. If a child is not conforming at a very young age, it is important to provide family support for positive impact to family and the xi. Our resistance is often plainly displayed, making us an easier target than people who are perceived as one binary gender or the other. Bigender: Refers to those who identify as two genders. Pemberton was engaging in sex with her and when he saw her genitalia. Children who do not glad prior to age 11 tend to gender nonconforming femme an increased risk for depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation as a young adult.